drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
