Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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