question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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