So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
