how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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