saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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