I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
