I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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