after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize