totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
