I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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