Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So squirting runs in the family.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
