Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
