2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
