I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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