All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
