So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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