i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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