i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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