i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
