Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize