It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize