I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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