just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
