Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
