Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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