btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
