How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
