I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i now understand why vodka
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
