I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
