Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
