mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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