My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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