woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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