He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
