The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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