whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
nutella sex= disaster
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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