I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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