when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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