Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
