Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's shark week go big or go home
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
