I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
