Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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