Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
