Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
