Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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