I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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