FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize