i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
