Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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