I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
