Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
