Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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