I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
