Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
