Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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