Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
