Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
