I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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